theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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