Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
