if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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