Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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