idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
