Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
