shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
