I heard we made out
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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