I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
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Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
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When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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