i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
