Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
