apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
