Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
