God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
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It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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