Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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