He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
