ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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