She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
