Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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