I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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