Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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