I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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