Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
