I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
