All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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