she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
