Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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