Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
