If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
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I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
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I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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