Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
