shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Operation Purity has been aborted
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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