God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
