i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She has the best kind of daddy issues
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
