That's when you crack a 10am beer
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
