Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you win again, gameday.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
