no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
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I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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