The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He better not be in your backpack
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
