We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
