Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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