my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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