We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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