He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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