I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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