I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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