i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize