I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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