You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
the raccoons are back...
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