That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
