Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
