I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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