Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
