Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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