At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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